So yet again, it has been multiple months since I posted. Not so much because I did not want to but it is one of those things I think of driving down the road.  I figured if texting was frowned upon, writing long stories would be shunned for sure behind the wheel.  I have much to update and am actually at an infusion now-  so I have a lot of time too.  You may need to read this in 2 parts.  Sorry.

Before I start about me, I have to share that I write with a lot of sadness and confusion as I found out yesterday that my adopted brother, Scott, committe suicide yesterday. I feel overwhelmed right now, sad, mad, shocked.  I don’t understand why or how he got to that place and the unknowns are always the hardest part.  It’s hard to imagine where someone’s head would have to be in order to go to that extreme.  It saddens me that he hid so much of his life and feelings from us when all the time we were all right here with arms wide open.  So, if you could include him, his son, daughter, wife, all my family and his friends in your prayers during this difficult time, we would all really appreciate it.

My update–

It appears the last thing I wrote about was that I started a clinical trial.   I am now at the end of my 3rd 4 week cycle and things have began to calm down a lot.  At first there were doctors visits every week.  Follow ups after appointments.  It was very busy.  I officially went out on long term disability… Which I prefer to call early retirement at the end of June.   I could barely manage doing my job at reduced hours, let alone triple reduced hours.  It was time to throw in the towel and put on the boxing gloves and fight the good fight-  not half ass it.  Clearly my cancer was not going to quit.  And neither am I.

To say it’s been busy is an understatement.  There were days when I wasn’t working and did not have teatment when I was sitting there thinking…how am I going to not work?  It is so ingrained in all of us that to just stop it feels really abnormal.  What am I going to do with all my time?  Will I be bored? Did I make the right decision?  That question was a little difficult to answer at first, but I can honestly say now that I did.  Over the past 2 months, I have learned how to invest in myself.  Not financially (obviously) But spiritually, emotionally & physically.  I am still learning a lot.  It is amazing to me how hard it is to do after years of neglecting myself.  I never neglected myself literally, but once I started digging into where I am in life and how to be a better wife, mother, daughter , sister and friend,  I truly think I was lacking and have much to learn.  Life is fast and furious.  To take a daily time out to slow its roll is hard to do.  When working, it was all I could do some days to get to bed before midnight- just to get up and do it all over again.  All of a sudden, you would say-  I cannot believe it is already Christmas/birthday/school starting  (insert the moment here-  we all say it).  Even stopping and noting that I am in this minute– the reflection of it all seems to go too fast.  I have attempted to start to meditate. I am really bad at it-  but I am trying.  I have fallen asleep 3/3 times this far.  It is definitely a skill.  To anyone reading this who does meditate, my hat goes off to you.  With meditation, not only do you have to be in the moment, you have to be in yourself.  This is a. very hard task.  It’s hard to reflect inside with all your bumps and bruises.  I have a lot of work to do, but look forward to reflecting inwardly and reconnecting my head to my body.  I am praying that this will be a place that brings great healing and spiritual growth.

so-  treatments.  They are going great.  The amount of time has slowed down since it started.  I am still here a lot, but not as much.  I had my liver biopsy in August and ended up in the hospital.  My liver bled out after the procedure and it formed a hematoma on the top of my liver.  This inflamed by diagphragm and I ended up in the hospital not being able to breath well.   I spend 4 days there.  They were trying to figure out if it was just a bleed or an infection that could have been life threatening.  Thank God, it was just a bleed.  I have also had my port replaced 2x’s since June.  I had to change out a perfectly good one for the study.  Then , 3 weeks later, it literally broke inside me.  The catheter ripped somehow.  The number of times I have heard, “wow.  I’ve never seen that before” is crazy.  As my doc says…if something bizarre is going to happen, it will happen to Tracey.  It’s true.  As long as the doctors are smart enough to fix it, it’s all good.  They replaced the port when I went in for the biopsy.  They had to take the torn one out without anesthesia-  as I had been eating that day, not anticipating having surgery that day..it all worked out fine and I am fixed.

i will finish this post on a very good note.  In June when I had to stop taking my oral chemo, my tumor markers in my blood had gotten up to 586.  My doc told me anything over 400 is concerning for me since I have cancer.  Normal people’s markers would be much much lower.  Needless to say, I was concerned.  I have amped up my green tea intake, herbs and spices that battle cancer and eating habits.  I have also added meditation and more frequent walks to my regime as well.  I had CT scans and more blood work at the end of August.  My scans have shown one of my liver rumors is shrinking and my cancer markers are down to 288.  I am thrilled to hear these results.  I am humbled that God is healing me, that I have benefitted from the trial, that I have brilliant doctors and a network of amazing family and friends that continue to lift me up when I am low and lift me up higher when I feel great.  I am so blessed to have you all in my life.  If I have not said thank you,  please accept this as my personal word of thanks.  With God, life and healing are possible and miracles can happen. With all of you, it is do-able and down right amazing.

Love you all,

Tracey