I have learned through very difficult situations that you always have to trust God’s plan.  I have disagreed with it, attempted to argue what I thought were valid points and pleaded for a change in His plan way too many times.  The truth of the matter is that we have no say in His plan.  I believe it was written before we were a hopeful (or unhopeful) thought in our parents minds.  It is a difficult lesson to learn and I often now find myself not so much wanting to question why, but wanting to know what my plan holds.  Yet another tid-bit we do not get to see or hear until it happens.  This title wave of thoughts typically always leads me back to the fact that this is my moment.  I am not guaranteed tonight or tomorrow.  And somehow – in the mix of all these thoughts – I am at peace.  Thank you God for that one.  I’m not sure how He does it – but I can find peace and grace in situations that would normally leave someone freaking out.  Mind you- it has taken me a while to get to where I can do this – but 90% of the time – I can work it out in my head, which is half the battle of dealing with cancer.  So with that said – we have a new plan…

I have had increased pain in my hips over the past month or so.  I have battled with low white blood  cell counts to the point they were about to slap a mask on me.  I have had to withhold my treatment more than I could take it because of low blood counts over the past 3 months.  I have been ridiculously tired at times (I guess that is the official “fatigue” kicking in).  And lately I have even felt nauseous.  I have felt things deteriorating over the past month and my scans this past Monday confirmed it.

Ed and I met with my doctor yesterday to confirm what we already were nervous about.  Being eternally optimistic – there were quite a few silver linings and at the end of the meeting and we both walked away feeling uplifted and eager to get going with the new plan that was developed.  But in the beginning – we were faced with scary information that made my mind return to trusting in God’s plans over and over again in the doctor’s office.  In a nut shell – I have had significant worsening of my liver tumors.  My hip bones looked mottled in the CT scan as well which implies they have developed holes (sort of) in the boney structure.  They believe this is where all the pain is coming from–I believe them.  You may be asking yourself – what the hell was the silver lining?  That sound horrible!  Although it is not good news – we also found out that the cancer has not spread to any other organs.  That is always a HUGE fear of mine when getting scans.  The rest of my body looked clean of cancer. I thank God for that.  I also received a good report on my blood labs.  My WBC’s were pretty much back to normal (or pretty darn close) and outside of one of my liver enzymes – everything looked good.   So – that is my silver lining.  And I am hanging onto it right now like a champ.

My doctor and Ed and I came up with a plan and I am hopeful that it will do the trick.  We are going back old school chemo and going to aggressively attempt to stop with cancer from growing.  I will have 1 infusion per week for 2 weeks and then get a week to rest.  I will do this over and over again until my body cannot deal with the meds or my cancer is gone.  I am praying for the latter.  We will do scans again in a month.  We chose this chemo because it has fewer side effects and does not mess with the WBC’s as hard as the other one we were considering.  And I get to keep my hair.  silver lining.  and again – don’t have great hair.  It is all about perspective.  I like my hair more than just my scalp.

I will continue to remain hopeful that this plan, which was ultimately created by the man above, will lead me to healing.  I don’t know that it will.  But I will trust that it will all day long until He needs me to know something different.  I am optimistic about healing and getting rid of my pain.  We start Friday.  Please send prayers of healing and health.  I can ALWAYS use them and cannot begin to tell you how much I appreciate them.

God Bless all of you.  Thank you for all your support and love.  I feel it all the time and it makes me smile—a lot.  Have a wonderful 4th of July weekend and relax with your friends and family.  It is the day you have been given.  Enjoy it on purpose.

Tracey